From Balance to Sustainability
A few years back I was asked to give a talk to a group of young lawyers on the topic of “work-life balance.” When I mentioned this to one of my more senior partners, he grumbled that “work-life balance is when you go home with a briefcase full of work in each hand to make sure you don’t fall over.”
I would have laughed if he hadn’t been carrying a briefcase—in each hand—when he said it.
The longing for balance in their professional and personal lives is another frequent objective expressed by my high-achieving clients in our coaching work. Americans as a whole have a competitive and almost obsessive desire to project an outward appearance of balance, evidenced both by the ocean of self-help books written on that topic and our ongoing social media posts displaying how we’re living the “good life.”
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be balanced at all times that we’ve actually become imbalanced in our pursuit of it. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode in which Frank Constanza listens to a self-help tape suggesting the way to achieve inner peace was by chanting the phrase “serenity now.” Instead of saying it calmly, however, he yells into the atmosphere like an angry old man telling the kids to get off his lawn—defeating the purpose entirely.
Rather than yelling out “Balance now!” in a self-defeating way, maybe we need a better paradigm. The word balance conjures up images of a tightrope walker inching along a rope, trying desperately not to misstep. It’s hard to achieve balance when you’re constantly worried about the next step, rather than looking ahead to the future.
Maybe instead of striving for the illusion of short-term balance, we can borrow a concept from our friends in the environmental movement and aim for long-term sustainability.
Tips for Sustainable Living
The term “sustainability” became popular in the last decade as a way of thinking more proactively about how to preserve our natural resources. My favorite definition comes from an unlikely source, Investopedia, which describes it this way: “Sustainability focuses on meeting the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their needs.” (https://www.investopedia.com/terms/s/sustainability.asp).
Based on what my clients are telling me, that sounds like a much better way to describe the equilibrium and sense of proportion most of us are seeking: living in such a way that meets the personal and professional needs of our present without compromising our ability to meet those needs in the future. Sustainable living, rather than balance.
Here are some tips for how to achieve sustainable living in your own life:
Tip 1: For Everything, There Is A Season
Our culture leads us to believe that by the age of 30, we should have a four bedroom house, a high-paying job, flexible hours, personal fulfillment, and run mini-marathons on the side while shuttling between soccer games and volunteering. The reality is this type of perfection doesn’t exist outside our Facebook pages.
The first tip for sustainable living is recognizing there is a season for everything. There is a season when work is going to demand more of your time than you or your family might like. There is a season when your family is going to demand more of your time than your boss or clients might like. There is also a season when you will need to take time out for necessary self-care.
Sustainable living isn't like achieving nirvana (the state, not the band.) It is a goal best measured over a lifetime of seasons, not on a moment-by-moment basis.
Tip 2: Learn How to Breathe Underwater
When I first started practicing law, I used to prepare a schedule each day outlining on what I was going to work and when. The problem was that my supervising partners and clients had this annoying habit of giving me things to do that weren't on my schedule. The more I tried to take control of my schedule, the more frustrated and out-of-balance I felt.
You know the story told by old-timers about how they learned to swim by being thrown in the middle of the lake? For me, as a young professional, it felt like I was being thrown in the middle of the ocean and told to swim. Then one day, it occurred to me that the only way I could survive was to learn to breathe underwater.
What do I mean by that? Well, what I realized was that I needed to give up my attempts to control my schedule and to dictate what I was willing to do and when. I needed to give in and learn how to embrace the unscripted challenges coming my way, instead of trying to follow my personal script. Once I did this and learned how to breathe underwater, I found I was able to grow and treat these challenges as opportunities that would make me better.
Tip 3: Surround Yourself With People You Want To Be Like
In an earlier post, I talked about how the people with whom you surround yourself will determine your future. I would tweak that point slightly here to say that, if you want to live a sustainable life, spend time with people who live sustainable lives themselves. Surround yourself with people you want to be like, rather than people who play to your weaknesses or bring out your worst instincts.
Mark Twain put this better, saying: "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
Tip 4: Put Your Spouse First
Notice I said "spouse," not family. For those of us who are married, our relationship with our spouse is the most important relationship in this world. If you don't put that relationship first, then everything else will inevitably suffer: your marriage, your kids, your sanity, and your career.
This does not mean that you should use your spouse as an excuse for shirking your other responsibilities. Consistent with Tip 1, there will be seasons when you have to put in more time at work than you or your spouse might like (like the 7.5 hours I spent on my laptop this weekend). If you routinely show your spouse that you put them ahead of your career, though, you'll get through these seasons as well.
For those of you who are currently unmarried, there still should be a person (or persons) you put first. Figure out who that is and consistently show them they are a priority to you.
Tip 5: Be Like Atticus
In my talk to the young lawyers, I encouraged them to read To Kill A Mockingbird, which is very nearly a perfect book (whether you’re a lawyer or a regular human being.)
After reading it a few years back, the thing that stuck with me most was not the courtroom lawyering, although that was very good; it was the picture it painted of Atticus Finch, portrayed memorably by Gregory Peck in the movie version. According to those who knew him best, the best thing about him wasn't that he was a great trial lawyer (although he was), or that he was a great marksman (true also). The best thing about him was that he was exactly the same person at home that he was when representing clients. He was the same Atticus at all times.
That is a wonderful example for those of us who grew up in an age celebrating the skill of compartmentalization. Personally, after years of trying to be different people at different times, I realized I couldn’t take the strain of trying to hold so many personalities in my head. I learned I had to be the same person Monday through Friday I am on the weekend. More importantly, I learned I had to live out throughout the week the values I claimed to believe on Sunday.
It's impossible to lead a sustainable life if you're trying to live the lives of different people at different times.
Tip 6: Make Time for Your Passions
Going to law school straight out of college was a real challenge for me. I was surrounded by people who were more mature and seemed a heckuva lot smarter, and I struggled to keep up in my first semester.
The second semester was a different story. I started spending less time stressing and more time on things that brought me joy. For me, that meant watching the Cubs play on WGN after my last class of the day and lots of reading about things other than the law. As it turned out, as soon as I stopped fixating on academics, my grades skyrocketed.
I learned a lesson from that experience that guides me still today. The happiest, most balanced people I know are the ones who live out their passions rather than trying to put them off for a more convenient time. I have people in my life who spend their weekends hiking “14’ers” in Colorado, painting murals, boating on Lake Monroe, and a few who, like me, love nothing more than quiet time with a good book. Sustainable living requires us to discover our passions and make time for them.
Tip 7: Discover Your Faith and Live it Out
Saving the most important tip for last, until I took my eyes off the tightrope in front of me and began to look up for something greater, I had no clue about sustainable living or balance. I didn't really know how to be the kind of husband my wife deserved, father my kids hungered for, or mentor and partner my colleagues needed. I had momentary successes, but no real long-term answers.
For me, the ultimate key to living a truly sustainable life was learning to put my faith in something greater than myself and trying—in fits and starts and imperfectly—to live out that faith on a daily basis. I discovered that my faith was the ultimate source of sustainable living without which no lasting balance or peace is possible. Can I ask you, where does your sustainability come from?
If you would like help in figuring out how to move from a search for short-term balance to long-term sustainable living, contact me at mike.tooley@upstreamprinciples.com.
Mike Tooley is a Co-Founder with Upstream Principles LLC, a coaching and consulting firm dedicated to helping individuals, leaders, and teams go upstream to discover solutions for their leadership and employee development challenges. As a certified Leadership and Strengths Coach, Mike is committed to serve as a guide to help others discover, and live out, who they are designed to be.