The Stones Were Wrong: You Can Get Real Satisfaction Through Complaining Well
In 1965 Mick Jagger voiced the frustration of teenagers and malcontents (but I repeat myself) everywhere when he wailed these lyrics from the Rolling Stones’ first Number One hit:
Can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no satisfaction
'Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no
* * *
I can't get no, oh, no, no, no, hey, hey, hey
That's what I say.
Fast forward 57 years and many sold-out concerts later, it seems these lyrics are no less relevant today. In the age of Yelp reviews, Glass Door rants against employers, and non-stop “hot takes” on Twitter and other social media platforms about pretty much everything, the art of complaining in 2022 has become more performative than anything Mick and the Stones accomplished on stage, but with no better results.
It doesn’t have to be that way, however. It’s possible to voice your complaints—and respond to complaints from others—in a way that allows both parties to feel heard, resolves problems, and deepens relationships. Here’s how.
Lamenting Together
My first complaint is that the meaning of the word “complain” has been distorted over the years to convey an entirely negative, conflict-laden action. That’s not how it started.
A common definition of the word “complain” today is “to express dissatisfaction or annoyance about something,” or “to make a formal accusation or charge.” No wonder many of us shy away from registering our opinion about something that troubles us. Who wants to be that guy?
Going back to its origins, however, Merriam-Webster Dictionary tells us the word “complain” came from two roots from Vulgar Latin (which presumably is different than the classy Latin many of us learned in high school): com (meaning with) + plangere (meaning to lament or express grief or sorrow).
In other words, the original meaning of “complain” was not to go all Karen on someone who committed the mortal sin of using whole milk instead of soy in your pumpkin spice latte. Instead, it was to share your grief or sorrow with someone—to lament together over something regrettable. This earlier understanding of the word conveys an entirely different experience that can lead to entirely different results.
“Stop Complaining” is Bad Advice
The idea that complaining is inherently bad might have been programmed into our psyches from a young age through such parental bits of wisdom as “if you don’t stop complaining, I’ll give you something to complain about” or “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Unfortunately, that advice leads to two counter-productive outcomes: (1) we’re often reluctant to air legitimate grievances or differences of opinion at the time they could do the most good; and (2) when we’ve finally had enough and can’t hold it in any longer, our complaints can explode in destructive ways.
Rather than a mark of virtue, our reluctance to complain can lead to missed opportunities, worse outcomes, and strained relationships. On the other hand, a well-intended and well-crafted complaint can serve the purpose of a rumble strip along the side of the highway: it lets you know you’re veering off track and a course correction may be necessary to avoid a crash.
7 Tips for Complaining Well
Here are some tips for sharing your laments with others in a way calculated to produce better outcomes:
1. Start with the why: Before you open your mouth or hit “send” on your email, text or post, the first step is to be honest with yourself about the real purpose of your complaint –is it just to vent or to get results?
Many moons ago, I had a mentor who was renowned for his habit of accentuating the tough in the “tough love” he delivered to others. (The most memorable example was when he told an aspiring lawyer after reviewing their written work product, “I’m a terrible writer, but next to you, I’m f*****g Hemingway.” Ouch.)
It always seemed to me that my mentor cared more about expressing his opinion provocatively than he did about whether the recipient would be able to really hear and act on the constructive message he intended.
If your goal is to get results, then your best bet is to apply the platinum rule to your complaints by delivering them in a way the recipient is most likely to receive well, rather than the prickly way your inner shock jock might prefer.
2. Ask for their help: My late first wife’s father, Phil Golove, worked in management for many years and developed a remarkable way of gaining cooperation from others when problems occurred. Rather than jumping in with the complaint and a demand for action, he would start by saying: “I could use your help,” and then would describe the situation and the specific help he was seeking.
This magic phrase seemed to automatically lower the stress level caused by the situation and gave the recipient the opportunity to see themselves as a provider of help rather than the target of a complaint. This was Jedi-level strategic thinking in my book and nearly always resulted in the problem being solved and relationships strengthened. Try it, you’ll see what I mean.
3. Apply positive intent: If you’re like me, your default reaction when you experience poor service might be to assume the worst of the offender–either they are out to get you or totally incompetent. Either way, assuming the worst and acting on it invariably results in framing your complaint in an antagonistic way unlikely to produce positive results.
People who are the most effective in voicing their complaints instead assume the other party is acting out of the best of intentions and actually wants to help them. Approaching a complaint from this perspective might sound like, “hey, I know you’re having an incredibly busy day and have many other customers to attend to, but I have a situation I could really use your help with.” You’d be surprised the difference this makes, both to their willingness to help and to your peace of mind.
4. Avoid getting historical: Whether your complaint is with your colleague, service provider, or spouse, it is rarely helpful to begin it by getting historical with such phrases as, “you always...” or “you never...” Nothing is more likely to shut down the other person’s willingness to help than a categorical statement that puts them on defense from the start. Instead, to the extent that it is a repeated concern you’re dealing with, try gently reminding them that it’s a problem you’ve discussed before and you’d really like to get it right this time.
5. Take a good look in the mirror: Sometimes we are innocent victims of someone else’s mistake, but just as frequently we have contributed to the situation we’re complaining about in some manner through miscommunication or misunderstanding. Telling someone “I might not have done a good job of explaining my expectations, so I’ll try to do better this time” can go a long way toward taking accountability yourself and helping the other person focus on the problem to be solved rather than worrying about who’s getting the blame.
6. Explain the resolution you’re seeking: If there is a specific outcome you have in mind that would resolve your complaint, explain it to the other person with as much specificity as you can muster. As a leader who has the opportunity to hear a fair number of complaints, I can tell you that when a team member tells me exactly what she’s looking for rather than making me guess, my immediate reaction is to feel gratified and do whatever I can to deliver on her request.
7. Align your complaint with their values: In Cultivating Everyday Courage: The Right Way to Speak Truth to Power, author James R. Detert provides a number of excellent tips for how employees can become “competently courageous” and maximize their ability to make positive change in their workplaces. (https://hbr.org/2018/11/cultivating-everyday-courage.) My favorite tip is to frame your complaint in a way that aligns with your organization’s stated values.
In the team I lead, for example, one of our core beliefs is that excellence comes from putting individual team members in a position to do more of what they do best. If a team member came to me to say he felt his current assignment was not giving him the opportunity to utilize his strengths, you can bet I’d pay attention.
Responding to Complaints Well
No matter how well a complaint is expressed, satisfaction is impossible unless it is received and addressed well in return. Here are five tips drawn from my experience as a service provider, leader, and leadership coach for how to handle complaints well:
1. Assume the complainer is trying to make it better rather than trying to make YOUR life harder. As someone with a bit of a defensive streak when I receive complaints or criticism, I can attest that it’s natural to start from a place of defensiveness, particularly when the criticism isn’t worded particularly well. While feeling defensive at first may be unavoidable, STAYING there is a choice.
2. One of the great pieces of feedback I received in a 360 evaluation once was that “if people rarely complain, you better listen when they do.” Maybe they rarely complain because they’re naturally agreeable, or maybe it’s because they don’t feel comfortable expressing contrary views. Either way, if they do decide to come with you with a concern for a change, you know it is meaningful to them and should be taken seriously.
3. At the other end of the spectrum, another piece of feedback I received in that same 360 evaluation was that “if someone complains all the time, ask yourself if there’s something you’re missing?” Most organizations have at least one Debbie or Donald Downer whose mission in life is to criticize everyone and everything around them, and it is tempting to dismiss their latest complaint with a Reagan-esque, “there they go again.” Sometimes, however, that annoying team member may be the only one willing to tell the emperor he has no clothes. It’s OK to seek confirmation from others as to whether the latest complaint is valid; it’s rarely OK to ignore it altogether.
4. When a complaint is valid, resist the temptation to fix the blame rather than fixing the problem. Instead, borrowing a page from a wonderful book called Thanks for the Feedback, even if your team failed to get a passing score the first time around, give yourself a “second score” on how well you resolved the concern. Studies show that customers or clients who express concerns and have those concerns addressed to their satisfaction report greater satisfaction scores than those with no concerns at all. Use the opportunity to respond to the complaint to increase satisfaction.
5. Above all, when someone is willing to risk sharing their laments with you, be sure to thank them for trusting you enough to do so, assure them you will take their concern seriously, and close the loop with them once you’ve investigated the situation and identified the fix.
Returning to Mick and the Stones, maybe I was too harsh on them for complaining about not being able to get satisfaction back in 1965. After all, they cut another (and better, if you ask me) song just four years later that observed more hopefully, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try some time, you might find...you get what you need.”
If you’d like to work with a coach who can help you learn how to get what you need, contact me at mike.tooley@upstreamprinciples.com.
Mike Tooley is a Co-Founder with Upstream Principles LLC, a coaching and consulting firm dedicated to helping individuals, leaders, and teams go upstream to discover solutions for their leadership and employee development challenges. As a certified Leadership and Strengths Coach, Mike is committed to serve as a guide to help others discover, and live out, who they are designed to be.