Two, Four, Six, EIGHT . . .
No matter how many years have passed since you first heard the cheer referenced in the title of this post, it’s as impossible to forget the next line as it is to blank on what comes after “knock, knock.”
With apologies to middle school cheerleaders everywhere, however, maybe the important question isn’t “WHO do we ap-prec-i-ate?” Maybe a better question is “WHAT is appreciation?” or, better yet, “HOW do we show it?”
Gratitude Lived Out
The dictionary definitions of “appreciation” include the “recognition of the worth of something” and “a favorable assessment of a person or their work.” While those definitions are not wrong, a more powerful way to think of appreciation is as a form of kinetic energy that only exists when you put it into motion.
Appreciation, to me, is the outward manifestation of the internal feeling of gratitude—gratitude lived out, as it were. Like the eternal riddle about whether a tree falling in the forest makes a sound if no one’s around to hear it, I wonder if gratitude truly exists unless and until it is spoken into the universe in the form of appreciation.
Over the last few weeks, the universe has given me some memorable opportunities as a coach, leader, and individual contributor to view the power of appreciation in the world around me. I’ve had the opportunity to show appreciation, receive appreciation, and observe the impact of appreciation on my clients, colleagues, and friends. On the negative side of the ledger, I’ve also seen how destructive it can be to individual psyches and team morale when people are denied the appreciation they feel they’ve earned.
Appreciation is more than a kind word or public recognition of your accomplishments. In its truest sense, receiving appreciation feels like the ultimate gift of being seen and valued for who you are. According to psychologist Abraham Maslow’s famous hierarchy of basic human needs, our yearning for esteem and belonging is even greater than our needs for such fundamental elements of survival as safety, security, food, water, warmth, and rest.
For a quick experiment on how appreciation affects us, look at the image below for 30 seconds and imagine that these smiling people are showing appreciation to you for something you did or simply for who you are. As you let that thought sink in, notice what happens to that weight you carry around in your shoulders, that knot that sometimes grips your stomach, and the tension you feel in your jaws. If you don’t feel a sense of lightness and relief as you look at their upturned faces, keep looking until you do.
That’s the power of appreciation.
Love Languages and Platinum Rule
Author Gary Chapman has made a career out of helping people understand how they are wired to receive love and appreciation in their marriages, families, and even in the workplace. In his Five Love Languages series of books, Chapman describes five primary ways different people prefer to receive positive attention from others:
1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Physical touch
4. Receiving gifts
5. Acts of service
Note: the fact that I just so happened to list the five love languages in the order they matter to me is purely coincidental (not). If you’re interested in learning your own ranking of love languages, you can take the free on-line quiz here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes.
These love languages provide a helpful cheat sheet for thinking of ways to show appreciation to others – though the employment lawyer in me suggests extreme caution before using No. 3 in the workplace! (Quick tip: Fist bumps and high fives are usually OK. Lingering hugs, not so much.) The critical thing to remember, though, is that it’s not your love languages that matter when it comes to showing appreciation, it’s theirs.
We’re all taught as children that the Golden Rule is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” which is a great way to help us understand that we are not the center of the universe and others have needs and rights too. When it comes to showing appreciation, however, it’s more effective to follow the Platinum Rule: “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.”
What does this mean? Among other things, it means that we can’t presume that the way we prefer to receive appreciation is the same way others prefer. For example, while I am fueled by words of affirmation (private, not public, mind you), others in my life are unmoved or even mortified by them. They might prefer a bottle of wine, an offer to pick them up something on my Starbucks run, or even a literal pat on the back.
Find out what matters to them and use that to guide how you express appreciation.
If in doubt, do something radical: ask them.
Ideas for Showing Appreciation
There are as many ways to show appreciation as there are people who deserve it. Above all, appreciation should be heartfelt, specific (“I appreciate you for ___,” rather than the generic “I appreciate you” or “You’re awesome,”) and individualized to the other person’s needs and desires.
Although leaders in the workplace often assume member of their teams expect appreciation to be expressed in the form of raises or bonuses, studies show that the motivational impact of a pay increase lasts only two months. Instead of just “showing them the money,” here are some other ways to express your appreciation in a meaningful way:
Personalized notes expressing your appreciation for something they did. While a quick email will do in a crunch, emails often get lost in the flurry of electronic messages we receive on a daily basis. Handwritten notes, on the other hand, show you were willing to take the time to write something special and often are saved and re-read.
Small gifts can deliver value well in excess of their cost. As one example, I received a monogrammed water pitcher years ago from a leader as a way of thanking me for a job well done. It sits on my bathroom counter to this day as a reminder of his appreciation for my service.
Gift certificates to their favorite restaurants, stores, or other places (not yours).
Taking them to breakfast or lunch at their favorite place.
Encouraging them to take the day off or let you handle a dirty job they typically perform.
Remembering and acknowledging a meaningful milestone or anniversary for them.
Recognizing your team member in front of their spouse, partner, or family, and then thanking those people in turn for their sacrifice of time.
What other forms of appreciation have YOU given or received that made a lasting difference?
Multiplication of Value
If you look at the definitions at the beginning of this post, you’ll see that the last definition of “appreciation” is an “increase in value,” while the last definition of the verb “appreciate” is to demonstrate a “rise in value or price.”
Just like these definitions suggest, my experience is that the act of showing appreciation to another person actually causes their value to increase over and above what you were already appreciating. Appreciation is a multiplier, in other words, that generates more of what you value in others and more than likely will have a ripple effect causing them to show appreciation to others in return.
Now that’s an outcome we can all appreciate.
If you’re looking for a coach who can help you discover how to multiply the power of appreciation on your team, contact me at mike.tooley@upstreamprinciples.com.
Mike Tooley is a Co-Founder with Upstream Principles LLC, a coaching and consulting firm dedicated to helping individuals, leaders, and teams go upstream to discover solutions for their leadership and employee development challenges. As a certified Leadership and Strengths Coach, Mike is committed to serve as a guide to help others discover, and live out, who they are designed to be.